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"Love is, above all, the gift of oneself. "
- Jean Anouilh

#46 February/March 2008 PDF Print E-mail
Greetings from Maya
Sometimes you just have to completely let go.

In December a friend invited me to explore whether or not my 6-year relationship with the Isis Scrolls was draining me.  I will admit to prior moments of overwhelm regarding the magazine, I would briefly wonder if it was time to pass it on.  But I would quickly push those thoughts away, it was unthinkable—the Isis Scrolls was too much a part of me to comfortably contemplate separating from it.  Yet here I was sitting in my purple chair at the Isis Temple while Lynn ran her blessed Buddha energy through my back, and I gave myself permission, in the comfort of her support, to fully imagine what it would be like to let go of publishing this magazine.  The overlighting energy of the Isis Scrolls came to me, held out a bright, softly glowing ball of light.  She told me that all the love and pure, sincere service that I had put into caretaking Her and bringing Her energy into physical form was in this light she was offering me.  It was like a savings account, she explained, it contained all that I had given and it was available for me to draw on, to harvest, to replenish, to prosper.  I understood that this is true for all of us, every one of us has an equity account of our own energy.  It builds up like a bank account whenever and wherever we have “spent” our compassion and love into someone or something.  It is our spiritual currency. Funny as I type that word “currency” it contains “current,” a flow is inherent in it.  Our love builds when we spend it and it flows back to us. 

I came out of my meditation feeling like it was time for me to completely let go of the magazine. She was ready to expand, and I wanted someone else to have the chance to take the print magazine and the website to the next level.  I did not know what would flow into my life once
I let go, but I trusted and I knew I had to let go.  I felt free and ready to release.  Within days, I wrote an email to all of the advertisers announcing that this Feb/March issue would be my last.  I was sending out the call to the Isis Scrolls’ next caretaker:  Whomever’s divine purpose it is to step in next, please contact me. 

Two sincere and gifted members of our healing community contacted me.  I met with one and she stated honestly that she was not sure if she was to be the one to take it over, but she was impulsed to contact me, hear my story and share her healing.  She brought her healing tools and we moved a lot of energy that day, clearing and opening personally for ourselves, and with the Isis Scrolls.  I felt like she really helped me connect in a new way to my inner Source of support. We set up another meeting for the following week, and I went home to begin the process of putting together the Feb/March issue.

A funny thing happened that week, I got a submission from Indigo Mack.  You can read her article on page 20.  When I first read it, I couldn’t stop crying.  Indigo had come to me several months back saying that she was interested in studying with me.  We met a few times and we both could tell that the energy and timing were off.  I told her that I thought she really just came to me so that I could introduce her to Shannon, which I did, and they hit it off just beautifully.  Off they went to apprentice with each other and with life itself.  Well, together they figured it out, and Indigo managed to put her heart into words and give those precious words to me so that I could put them in the magazine.  I am so proud of her.  And I am so in love with the process brave souls go through of finding themselves, and then grounding themselves, by putting the whole thing into words.  What was I thinking letting go of this magazine!  This is where those brave souls send their words! 

When I met with the second person who came forward he said, “I recognize that the Isis Scrolls is an incredibly valuable Temple of Light in our community.”  In fact, both of the people I met with fully understood that the Isis Scrolls was a being of light unto herself.  In hearing that fed back to me, I had to come to understand that as the creative force behind this magazine, I am also an incredibly valuable Temple of Light.  I have desperately tried to integrate this realization as I open myself to harvest that ball of love-light that the Isis Scrolls Deva had shown me.  I have had to open more channels in my body to actively receive and be nurtured by all of it.  I suffered with this for a few days: finding my worth and then losing it again, crying often and in spontaneously awkward places about my self-worth and the magazines’ beauty and value, both of which I felt I was seeing for the first time ever.  I surrendered my need to look like I knew what I was doing, and surrendered some more to all the reconfiguring that was going on inside of me. 

I had freely let go of the Isis Scrolls, and in putting distance between us, I was able to separate myself enough to see everything in a new, more prosperous, more blessed way.  My original connection to this magazine has been many things.  I can now more clearly understand how my authentic essence has been woven through the magazine.  I can also see where I have nurtured a false sense of myself.  For me, “selfless service” was a function of that false self, the part of us which creates something in hopes of drawing love to it.  The false self does not know how to receive or even ask for help because it has an agenda, it is always on a “self-promoting” hamster wheel of capturing love and approval, always “doing”; too busy to just relax, open and be.  The Isis Scrolls is ready to expand and bloom.   I am being given an opportunity to let go of how I was connecting through my false self and rejoin, if I choose, from even more of my authentic self: Being my essence.  Being the part of me that knows I am surrendering to joy radiating that out. 

It is an entirely new relationship that is awaiting me.  As we go to print with this issue, I cannot say at all what the future of the Isis Scrolls is—I am practicing and learning this new way of being.  I am exploring with both of these wonderful community members what it would be like to join in a partnership: to combine and expand our authentic beingness and bloom with the Isis Scrolls.  I am comfortable being content, excited at the possibilities, passionate and unattached to the outcome of what our meetings will bring.   I know the Isis Scrolls will survive with or without me, and this level of joyous nonattachment is allowing me the freedom to allow the whole thing to unfold with more magnificence than my false self could ever imagine.
Until next time,
Sincerely in service to my essence,
Blessings upon you all.

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